saddness
Junior Member
Posts: 20
Joined: September 28 2005, 10:17 |
Time - beginning to feel able to live without her |
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Finally after the longest most heart breaking five years, I am beginning to feel able to go out without my darling wonderful Gran. My Granny Minnie - my gran, my mother, my friend and my heart, for a very long time I was so frightened I would somehow forget her. Forget her face, so dear, forget her gentle touch, her funny, silly superstitions, her smell and worst of all forget her love. Over five years have somehow been lived through, I have another child and I have not forgotten at all. Her face is still clear in my mind, the smell of her still lingers all around me, in times of stress, I feel her love like a warm well-loved blanket. My darling, dearest Gran, I am thank God able to do the very thing you would want me to do - live my life. My children help, they each remind me in some small way of her, the baby has her smile and playful ways, my daughter her sweetness, my older son, her loving nature and my middle son, her impulsiveness! He also has her beautiful green eyes - a gift I treasure.
For me, the way forward has only been possible because of my children, I have tried and continue to try to be the best mother I can be. To ensure they each have good childhoods and know their mother loves them with all her heart. My Gran loved children, she had eight of her own and helped bring up several other children including at least three grandchildren, of which I am one. She had a very kind heart and never seemed to judge. If she loved you, you felt truly blessed. I feel blessed to have known her love.
For the longest time, I felt like I was in a very dark place - a terrible tunnel which never seemed to end, I hated time because it only seemed to highlight the ever lengthening time since I last held her in my arms. TIme has taken on a different meaning, it means everyday I am getting closer to her, but also I am keeping her memory alive. Time has shown me not only how much I love and miss her but also that I am strong and can honour her memory by living a good life. I can keep her in my heart, she is always with me and I am always with her.
I finally understand I need to live with good grace and accept the wonderful love she gave me during her life as the blessing it is. Although there will be times when I miss her dreadfully, times when I need to cry for her, there will equally be times when I can smile and be happy, those times are beginning to be more often than the sad times. It means I am slowly moving not away from her but moving forward with my life, a life which will always continue her memory and the memory of her love. I feel She is smiling and approves. It's a good sign. A very good sign.
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saddness
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Posted on: 04-10-09 23:23:33
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